I don’t know why I’m writing. Don’t really have anything else to do. Why not spend the day looking at an empty word document.
Haven’t left this room all day. Didn’t even get out of my bed yesterday. No point, really. Just lie there until I starve.
The Timberwolves dropped me off at this apartment after they dragged me away from the base. Don’t know how long a stay they paid for me to have, but it’s been over a week now and no one’s complained. Makhno gave me his condolences, but I don’t remember the words. Spent that whole first night crying.
Sun still rose the next morning. Hurt my eyes to look at it, so I hid under the covers. Thought I should cry again, but I couldn’t. Couldn’t even feel sad. Couldn’t feel anything. Tried to. Never thought I’d be trying to feel sad; but it would be better than this greyness.
Was the sky always so dark? Did time always pass this slowly? I spent half an hour watching the seconds hands move on a clock. Never experienced a longer half hour before.
The first few days, I only left my room when I had to eat. Somehow from that I started ending up in bars. Maybe I’m just trying to see how quickly I can poison my liver. One night I picked up a girl during my bar crawl. Wanted to feel something, anything, even if it was only for a night.
She didn’t help. Neither did the guy I found a few days later. I keep trying to find anything to replace this numbness, but…. Every morning, I wake up and find things the same. I’m starting to lose the will to keep trying to fight it.
That’s enough for now. Don’t’ know when I’ll post again. Might not ever; can’t see much point in it. Maybe I’ll go back to hiding in my bed all day, like I did before I met 330….
-Lisa
There are some holes that nothing is ever going to fill. And I feel your pain in that regard. But you can't let that emptiness consume you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I realize you need some time to mourn and maybe this is too soon to be asking but... you still don't really get this whole time travel thing do you?