What do you do when you start questioning who you are?

I’m looking at the last entry I wrote in this journal, and I’m having a hard time convincing myself I said those things, let alone wrote them down. No, I don’t want the Red Cap bowing to me, it’s fucking creepy. Why the fuck am I even working alongside these monsters? There’s no point to their rebellion thing. I already lost. Humanity’s dead.

Of course I’m still going to wipe the Fears out of existence as payback for that, but there’s no reason I should be as… eager about it as I seemed in my last entry.

I think I’ve been putting this off for too long. Whenever I’ve been in a really bad pinch, I keep being saved by shutting off any thought process and letting what can only be called instinct handle everything for me. Suddenly gaining the ability to withstand excessive physical trauma and fight with a sword during Grendel’s revolution; almost singlehandedly fighting my way out of a heavily fortified bunker when I woke up in another universe; killing a fucking Fear with one hand…. I don’t know where it’s coming from, it just happens. Like with this arm. There was no process of learning how to make it shapeshift, that knowledge just kinda gradually filtered into my brain. Never took the time to stop and think about it. Always was too busy, or just didn’t want to think about it. Kept pushing it off in favor of more direct issues. But ever since R’lyeh, it’s been getting worse. The whispers, the knowledge, these ambitions….

Thing is, I do have an idea of the why for all of it. Nyarlathotep. I just keep wishing that wasn’t the reason. I’m me. I-330. Badass time traveling monster hunter/The Doctor wannabe extraordinaire. That’s all I want to be. Not an ancient malevolent manifestation of chaos reborn. Just me. But the way things are going, I’m starting to think my opinion’s not going to matter much in the end….